These true accounts are sent to me via a wormhole in the space-time continuum

Monday April 3rd 2045

The School run

“Come on son” I said.

“I’m fucking coming” he said, “just getting my fucking books”

I waited till he came out with his rucksack full of books and got into the car.
“Any idea what this is about?” I asked. I’d had a call from the headmaster to drop in to see him. It sounded ominous.

“I haven’t a fucking clue” he said. “Can we have the radio on?”

I switched it on. They were playing Don’t give a fuck by the Cunts of Camberwell. Not my favourite type of music, but he likes it.

As I was going in to see the head I drove into the school car park. We got out of the car in silence and walked into the school, through reception and into the secretaries office.
I said “We have an appointment with the headmaster”.

“Oh, fucking hell” she said pulling a mock frightened face.
She picked up the phone and said “They're here. Yes I’ll call her”.
“Not be a minute” she said and made another call, simply saying "They're  here".

After 5 minutes, a lady in an overall appeared. My son smiled at her, but she remained stony faced. He looked puzzled. She went into the headmaster office.

Then we were called in. The headmaster went straight to the point.
“I’ve had a report of bad language and abuse from your son” he said.

“What the fuck?” said my son. “No fucking way”.

“Can you tell me what he said” the headmaster directed the question to the lady in the overall who was looking very embarrassed.

“I was serving in the cafeteria, and he asked for extra chips. When I said he could only have the same as everyone else he called me….” her voice went down to a whisper “a…a… bureaucrat!”

There was a sharp intake of breath from everyone. Then suddenly my son started to laugh. “I didn’t say that you silly old cunt. I said You’re a twat

The lady expression took a full 10 seconds to change from shock, to realisation to relief to a smile. “Oh I’m fucking sorry ye wee shite” she said “It's my fucking hearing. I thought it was really out of character”

“That's OK” he said, “any cunt can make a mistake”.
Everyone was smiling.

“Oh well” said the headmaster, I thought it was out of character too. “Fuck all harm done”.

When I got back into the car I turned on the radio. It was The Fucked up Fuckers singing The Fucking Fucker’s Fucking Fucked. Quite a nice tune. I hummed along as I drove home. Maybe the guy coming the other way was listening to the same program. We were both a little close to the centre of the road and we both swerved.

“YOU STUPID TRUMP” he swore loudly through his wound down window.

There’s just no need for language like that.

Posted by Jack  11:07am Monday April 3rd 2045




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